Tue 3 March
[4:00PM] Ive been using my time horribly and I’m now eternally tired. I will be honest and say I do not think I live a good life. But, I do feel like, by writing in this diary, there are things I can find improvements for.
[5:00PM] I’m thinking I can use a spare clothesline to make a small merch area to store things, not the most sophisticated, but doable. Unfortunately, I have been having frequent crashes with my energy, so I cannot do that right now. Meanwhile, my bedridden setup looks like this:
The rice bowl was okay. The kimchi was the only thing that gave it some semblance of flavour, and even then…
[5:38PM] And to finalise a sad day, I tried doing something slightly new: I made mocha for the first time in a very long time. Now, if I was happy, and organised, and doing everything I like, then I would probably make one just about every day - but I don’t. It is a lengthy process, as I use the pour-over method. But even then, a lot of my head takes a lot in for the entire duration. Maybe one day I’ll buy a mini fridge for my milk, or just buy those long lasting mini cartons, so I don’t have to dread the idea of going downstairs each time I have to make just a single coffee (another conversation I have far later in the year). But drinking it down, feeling the heat resonate through the ceramic, it’s lovely to have the heat travel down my body.
Mocha is a definitively Winter’s drink for me. Maybe when things warm up, I’ll switch to tea. Rooibos and Oolong are among some of my favourites to directly brew, every night if i can help it. Throw it in a large teapot or a litre flask, and I’ll be happy.
Forcing myself to feel good, does feel good, in a way.
Wed 4th March
[7:14AM] I’m actually just a little bit surprised. I guess writing about forcing myself to be good and do good things made do good things yesterday and today. I have cleared out only a tiny bit of my room (until I strained my neck and had to sit back down), cleared out and cleaned my then neglected fish tank, and when I realised it was past 12am I decided to instead… go to sleep with a nice water bottle.
I woke up to a dewey blue and songbirds passing through my windows, pretty, yet frozen up due to the windows also being so old that the cracks of air passes through just as much. But its March, it’s not the worst. Time to go back to sleep for my 9 hours~
[8:09AM] I feel like I lied a little when I said I was going to sleep. I didn’t. I was just far too happy with the ambiance I made myself to just close my eyes and have it all stop. But it is making me hungry and I’m still waiting for my pay, so I’ll pray there’s orange juice downstairs, or just eat nothing.
[8:32AM] So I was going to eat nothing. But I realised that I was just… too hungry and miserable to not have any food, it was until I found frozen, ready cooked prawns that I decided to make something. Last pack of microwave rice, dosed in mirin, sesame oil, leftover kimchi vinegar, and lemon juice, then finally topped with dried onion garnish and mayo. I didn’t want to stand in the kitchen any longer, so I took a small, separate bowl of frozen prawns, where Id turn on the kettle and pour boiling water to defrost in the comfort of my room, ideally using my fork to drain and carry the prawns into the dish. Compared to yesterday, this bowl was just… so much better. I enjoyed my time with it. Again, I forced myself to do it, and I hated doing it.
[2:14PM] I did go to sleep, eventually, and only now waking up, I feel a very powerful urge to rant, even just for a little. It’s a feeling Ive felt for years now.
“When did the world get so ugly? Where did architecture go?” Do you believe you’d be surrounded by priceless, handcrafted beauty 400 years ago? That world was never made for you. We see the preserved world in the past and can indulge in it, cheaper than ever. The ugly you see now is poor people ugly, and you’ll never have the money for modern beauty. Things never got worse, or devalued, it’s just money doing its part the same way it’s been doing its part for centuries. Don’t kid yourself by thinking you’re the only person that believes that sentiment and it’s society thats lost its mark when, chances are, you only believe or notice it because someone else pointed it out, shown you photos, places, streets, and had the same skewed point, now skewed right into your head. Beauty only thrives at the right commission, it’s sad to know…
And the moment I finished the rant, I realised that there was orange juice at my front door. I didn’t drink it, I just made mocha instead.
Thu 5th March
[5:09AM]I’m going to practice a new sleeping regime. I must reach a goal of 9 hours of sleep per night. If I wake up, and I haven’t reached 9 hours, I go back to sleep, with a remaining timer so I don’t oversleep. If I oversleep for more than that, then I cannot go back to sleep. If I sleep around 7-8 hours, but I can’t go back to sleep, then I can get up. Its going to be very strict, but thats mainly because I need that fixture for me to just, more naturally, go to sleep in sensible hours. But I do love sleeping during the day, its like the whole world is alive and I’m not…
So, as you can see, I’ve only slept for around 7 hours and couldn’t go back to sleep. But hell, it’s a work day, I’m not going to just waste my 2 hours trying to sleep when I can have fun. Coffee and drawing for me~
[8:14PM]Finally on the train home. Lots of work, even more detours. But I’ve done all the work necessary today. I almost feel proud.
It also made me realise that uploading a diary every day is unrealistic and hard on me. Compiling and slapping code onto it can be a new weekend job for me, just like all of the other weekend jobs I have (website has been edited to accommodate a weekly schedule update)
Fri 6th March
[8:07PM]Out of all the things to be blatantly lied to about tracking and delivery times, it’s the package I spent £100 + insurance on? Oh well, guess I have to wait before I can even try and get down the first layer of customer service. Using Amazon was already a questionable move to begin with, but now I believe, for the sake of everyone, I should avoid it as best I can.
[9:59PM]It takes me a full 24 hours to count and bundle 2000 postcards, given the time I take to rest, sleep a full 9 hours, and eat while messaging friends and emails without entirely engaging with them. It would probably take the same amount of hours to label them all and finalise their packaging for stocking purposes.
Now, the reality is, I don’t know who is reading this, so I can’t tell what your idea of a work ethic is. But, I can say this as, legally and governmentally speaking, a “self-employed business man”, as much as I hate that term… But I should keep good and true methods either way; that being observing. I see other artists as a spiritual colleague, even if they don’t know me and I don’t know them, and because of that, our ideas get exchanged as if through a mental path, making a general set of untold ethics or even a genre of art on its own among ourselves… I do envy these people, thats how I truly feel when I push past my own biases and image as an independent artist with my own style and tastes.
But I guess, like most people say, I usually don’t agree with many people’s idea of work ethic, or a more common word: “locking in”. I don’t like doing that and avoid it at all costs, if I can. Because I don’t lock in - I hurt myself. Id say, once a month, I do ‘Lock in”, in a way, but I also don’t sleep. I cant make any food on my own , and even with takeout it can take hours to finish one fast food meal. I do have my liquids often, sparkling water and zero sugar cola Id the only thing saving my body at that time, if I don’t have them, I resort to alcohol, so keeping those stocked is always the first priority in my grocery list. But even with that, I can sometimes delay using the bathroom for hours, or even days, even having the telltale feeling of needing such a thing for the entire duration of it. My lack of sleep can also extend to days, and can reach a threshold where, if given enough time, it becomes so severe where I turn my back in paranoia no matter what room in the house i am, and every unknown noise hear is immediately assumed to be a hallucination. I do wash myself, its quite easy to turn the bath taps on in the background and wait while doing something, or write in the bath with an iPad, however, it can be a terrifying and uncertain experience. If I stand up after a wash, I’m almost always guaranteed to start seeing darkness, as the weakness travels from head to toe. I have fainted before, I have heard sounds in my ears so bad that I thought it was water pipes bursting and boiling in the room, despite none of the sort happening. This can be an even terrifying experience when alone.
But this is not really a “typical” experience. I, myself, used to harm myself in similar ways purposefully, and now these actions only happen purely out of accidental habit, and can only be solved with actionable awareness and change. To anyone who relates to this, my condolences to you too. To anyone who may not, please do anything you can to not be like this.
Either way, mind the sadness. Here is my meal for the day! Chinese is lovely and great to snack on during anything you might be doing. Takeout is a very common choice for whenever I’m busy with something. I almost always pick the chicken option for the protein of course.
Sun 8th March
[8:45AM]Woke up very early, must be the nerves new the new week. Either way, I only remembered yesterday that I have to work on my diary on Sundays now, it’s not a slog… just a mild detour from other things I have been doing.(Note: this was posted on Tuesday)
I have a new thermal printer, and I’m very excited to use it. Considering that my art merch is something I want to be able to do on the sidelines next to my wage job, I’m prioritising fast, easy equipment.
I enjoy it.